From Body Hate to Body Love

One of the problems with growing up overweight is that it’s very common to come down with serious body image issues. Always thinking you’re fat, thinking you eat too much, worrying what people think and being so very self conscious.

While I grew up I was constantly thinking people were making fun of me because of my weight. Two girls would look near me and laugh and I just immediately thought they were laughing at me. It turned me into a very introspective person. When I was a kid I was shy, as a teenager in high school I was a bitch. I figured if I was mean enough to make people hate me then I wouldn’t care what they thought.

Not true.

But I digress, fast forward through high school and everything that went on during it, through the few years after it where I was happily in a relationship to just over six months ago when I realized I didn’t want to be the person I was turning into. I felt like my life was planned out, but for the wrong person so I took control and I changed it.

I realized that I needed to be selfish and go after what I wanted and do what I needed to do, not matter what. I ended a relationship of nearly two years, I threw myself into work and I promised myself that I was going to live the life I wanted from then on. I started to try new things, be the person I had always wanted to be but I still felt horrible about myself.

The inspiration to change came from watching my best friend change her life. I’m not going to go into much detail right now except to say that she is an exceptional human being who (paired with Heather) completes me. She has pushed herself body, mind and soul and has come out on top, looking and feeling fabulous.

So I started to work out and eat right. It’s interesting to see the progress from 6 months ago to right now. I probably couldn’t do one sit up back then and just yesterday I did 70 in a row, with weights. I made a personal fit test for myself in September and it took me 28 minutes to do all four rounds the first time. Less than two weeks later it took me less than 15 minutes. My clothes are fitting looser, my body is getting more toned, more defined and every day I love it more and more.

Weird what a little exercise can do right?

Working out has helped me appreciate my body and its limits. Every crunch, push up and stretch that I’ve done has made me love it even more. Every piece of fruit or celery stick that passes my lips has made me realize what my body needs to function, and what foods it doesn’t. It’s pushing myself, and working hard that’s forced me to move past my self consciousness and realize that I’m strong and I’m beautiful and it’s time I believed it.

So I’m going to prove how much I love my body. I’m going to post progress pictures. But I’m not doing this to prove it to you all because, much as I adore you, this isn’t about you. I’m going to prove it to myself.

Without further ado…

 

Starting at the top right and going clockwise the pairs of photos are from June 21, 2011- September 20, 2012- October 3, 2012- and today October 21, 2012.

Looking at these pictures, I’ll be honest I cringed. Not because I’m ashamed of my body as it is, but because I’m ashamed that I treated it like that.

 

 

To all of you who read my blog, love yourself. Love your body, but take it for what it is: a machine. Keep it healthy and you’ll have a lot longer in it, end of story.

I-I-I–I Workout!

I mentioned this in my latest update, but for I’ve been making health and fitness a bigger part of my life.

I first started my journey, for lack of a better term, after making a deal with Stephanie.

I was helping her move home from school and wanted to have a normal night, no worrying about what we ate, no hesitation just doing what we wanted. She agreed, but on the condition that I started to eat better. Without hesitation (get it?!) I said yes and after a fantastic last night on earth binge I started being nicer to my body.

I walked four miles within those two days (Stephanie ran them) and when I got home I started walking an hour a day. It was an easy change since I usually had a free hour or two after work to do something, and while I was at it I was drinking more water and eating a more reasonable amount of food.

To be honest, I thought I’d fall off the wagon after the first two weeks, but I love it. For my birthday I got a membership to the Aquatic Center since it has a gym, pool and some cool classes. I was also lucky enough to get some weights and a stability ball (that I was dying for).

As I expected to happen; I fell off the wagon. Grief and already stressful situation can make health the last thing you want to make time for. I spent the first half of September living on caffeine and sugar since I wasn’t sleeping or eating enough. After two weeks of eating like crap and not working out my clothes were getting tight and I was feeling sluggish and unhappy. I promptly shook myself off, got out my yoga mat and got back to work.

It’s amazing what a little bit of love can do to your body. My skin cleared from my sugar induced break out, my body has leaned out and I’ve gotten a lot more flexible. I’ve got more energy, I’m sleeping better, and while I am eating much better I’m eating what I want in moderation. If I want a cheeseburger from Helvetia I’m going to get one, I just won’t have a soda with it and I’ll work out again when I get home.

It’s all about a positive balance between being good to your body and not starving it of something it desires.

Wanderlust, Wanderlust why do you do this to me?

So, here’s something about me that most people don’t know… I have a serious case of wanderlust, and it is truly serious.

I always have the urge to travel and explore the world around me, to see what happens in the places I’ve never been. I think it’s because I have this irresistible urge to be free, to never be tied down. There’s a quote that has quickly become my favorite (and a possible future tattoo) “I’m built to fly away, I never learned to stay.”

Sometimes I feel like life is a prison, always capturing me, keeping me in a gilded cage, alive but never truly living. I get up, go to work, come home, see the people that I love and go to sleep. But every time I’m laughing and enjoying myself that feeling of capture is growing in my chest. I’ve always had the desire to pack a backpack and just leave. Send my parents and the people I love postcards letting them know where I’ve gone and just disappear into the sunset.

 First I’d travel the US. I’d go back to Hawaii, just because I love it, then Alaska to see the Aurora Borealis. I’d travel to see some of the most beautiful mountains, rivers and valleys in our country, then I’d do all of the things I’ve always wanted to do: hike to Machu Picchu, pray in the temples of Greece, the pyramids of Egypt, join a ritual in the middle of Stonehenge, even swim in the Galapagos. I’d get spiritual in Bali and adventurous in Amsterdam, and enjoy the most beautiful places in the world.

My wanderlust is one of the reasons I find being a writer, an author even, to be such an attractive career for me. Not only do I love literature, but it’d be easy to write wherever the wind blew me. I’d just explore the world, gather intel and some inspiration, write when I could and send my pages to my publisher; the perfect job for me.

Every few years or so, when my eyes grew tired of the sights around me, and my heart pulled me toward the sea I could come home and recharge. I could get back into the day to day grind of going to work, getting the groceries, going out for coffee with my best friend, and eventually it would lead to some fresh eyes.

Whenever my urge to leave came back I’d pack a bag, spread my wings and just be free.
Is it so bad to want to be free?

Not all those who wander are lost
J.R.R. Tolkien


Freedom is never dear at any price. It is the breath of life. What would a man not pay for living?
Mahatma Gandhi

Herrrrrrooooohhhhh!

Hello blog readers!

I just got back from a seven mile hike with Steph and her friend from school Jamie, and while I want nothing more than to take a long shower and sleep for ten hours I feel the blogger bug kicking into high gear.
Since my last post there have been lots of changes, promises broken and grief shared, and while right now I don’t feel like hashing it all out I’ll give you the low-down anyways.

Joshua and I split up many moons ago at my request. I think it’s the best move for our respective futures.

I’ve begun integrating health and fitness into my life as one of my top priorities and I’ve been surprised at how I feel. I’m happier, sleep better (and harder to be honest) and feel even more comfortable in my own skin. It’s quickly becoming a necessary thing in my life and I spend hours trolling the Pinterest health and fitness board for new workouts.

I’m also starting to get everything filled out so that I can start at PCC this winter term. I’m going for Business with the possibility of a creative writing minor (who knows), but I am beyond stoked for this.

Work is work and I love it, as usual.


Life has been good to me. I’m happy, I’m healthy and I’ve got a positive outlook on life, and how to get where I want. And even though sometimes I want to crawl under the sheets and hide from the big scary monster of life, to close my eyes and wish away all the bad things, I don’t. I just stand up tall, head up and shoulder back, and tell the scary monster to go to hell in a hand basket.
Life throws us bad things, but there’s always a silver lining, right?
Well I’m off to take a seriously needed shower, blogger bug be damned! So, until my next post please enjoy the pretty picture show of the last few months.
P.S. This isn’t up to my usual standard of writing but I be sleepy so just remember what The Help taught us: You is kind, you is smart, you is important :) Now look at the pictures
...
Teaser #1: Maryland Trip 2012- in July I went to Maryland with my parents and while the blog post is forthcoming, I figured I’d share the love and bring you a few pictures to tide you over.


Oh I forgot, in July I turned 20 and got to spend it with two of the most amazing people in my life. I honestly don’t know how I function without them- they are my other pieces and I love them to death.
Here’s a quick teaser, and I’ll be posting a full play by play of my birthday celebration at a later date :)




Also, just after my birthday I got my first tattoo! And while I’ve heard it’s placement is bad and it’s tacky and classless in general I love it and I think it fits me perfectly, imperfections and all. As someone else told me “Very zen. Me likey.” Haha!

No for the random!!
A present from my parents
A stolen present from my buddy Alex
Stephie bought a bike!
Heather’s 20th birthday!

Michelle loves me

Reasons not to put your tips in your skirt

A Private Writer’s Tips to Writing

 

Hello there fantastic blog readers, it Kristen and today I’ve got a confession to make.

I write, a lot. When the world turns dark I get that itch in my fingers to write or type. When the sky is black I get the almost instantaneous inspiration to start a new story, or continue one I’ve already started, and trust me there are plenty.

Since I’m such an obvious expert, enter snort/laugh here, I figured I’d give you a few tips on how I write, and my current ways to stave off and/ or beat down writer’s block.

I’m currently typing this in my “professor” voice, so please read it with an accent that is somewhat similar to that. Also, please be aware that these are simply in the order that I do them, but do whatever you need to do to write your best work.

 

Tip 1: Find whatever makes you most comfortable, whatever makes you feel inspired.

In order for me to be in the right mindset to write I have to be clean and ready for the day. So the first thing I do is shower. Another strange thing? I like my hair to still be wet when I start writing, so the rest of the things I do have to get ready have to be done quickly.

Once I’m showered and clean I like to put a little makeup on, it makes me feel more awake, if you will.

I also tend to sit upright either at a desk, table, on the couch or in bed. I can’t write if I’m laying down.

Tip 2: Layers

And, no I don’t just mean in the literary sense. I mean literally wearing layers. Why, you may ask? There is nothing worse for me than being in the zone and being too cold, or too hot and having to change clothes. So I usually grab a comfy pair of shorts or pants (lately my running leggings have been a favorite for me) and a comfy sweater. Sounds normal right? But I usually have a sweater, t-shirt, and a tank top on, and a blanket next to me, just in case. Sounds like a lot? It is, but it saves me more time than I can think of.

 

Tip 3: Libations

I usually have a large glass or bottle of water, my current drink of choice (Ginger Ale, Dr. Pepper, tea, water or juice), gum or anther small snack pretzels or fruit are a huge favorite. I love hot tea, and hot chocolate made with almond milk, etc. too, depending on what time of year it is.

I am the type of person who needs to be multi-tasking at all times to be fully functional, so snacking and drinking works best for me.

 

Tip 4: Fighting writers block

There are tons of ways to at least try and fight writers block, in my opinion. First off, I keep reference materials to keep myself on the current task. Currently the book next to me is The Everything Creative Writing Book 2nd Ed. 

I also always make sure to keep books near me that usually lead to inspiration. Since I’m predominantly a fantasy writer I tend to keep authors like Laurell K. Hamilton, Kalayna Price, Karen Chance, Rachel Vincent, Patricia Briggs (huge inspiration right now), Kim Harrison.

If I’m in a serious funk, I’ll get up and move. I’ll pace, I’ll clean (with loud music) or go for a quick run, walk, even stretching helps.I pace, make phone calls, or even do some quick sketches. Cooking, baking, making jewelry, doing dishes, all help me climb out of the funky hole I fall into occasionally.

 

Tip 5: Be flexible

And I don’t mean in the body, though that helps too, when you sit for hours writing. I mean with your writing. Writing every day is good, and it helps, that I can’t deny, but especially with me, I can’t write the same project every day. However, with flexibility comes the inevitable. Multiple stories. I currently have tons of ideas floating around on my computer, but am only actively working on three. Having multiple stories started and available allows me to mentally work out certain grey areas of one story, while completing easier parts in another. Another form of mental multi-tasking.

And the final top for today is….

Tip 6: Back everything up

Whether or not you physically write, type, or speak your words I suggest (multiple times over) that you back them up. Zip drives or external hard drives for your computer. Physical scans for written pages. You name it. They’re your words so protect them.

Now I’m off to my world of vampires, werewolves, faeries, and who knows what else.

Kristen

Near, Far, Wherever You Are

For two days I’ve been uncontrollably, unreasonably, restless. Literally pacing my house trying to figure out what was wrong, why I’ve felt so strange. Granted, this happens every full moon (as Stephanie puts it I’m a wolf), but this time felt different, more visceral, rooted in my core.

When I woke up this morning my whole body was filled with that need to move again, that hummingbird mentality, always flitting around. Yet as I was at work I felt this strange feeling lay over me, something accustomed to dread, today would not be a good day, and surely it wasn’t my best. As I thought about the possible reason to be dreadful I realized more layers of what I was feeling: anxiety,sadness, pain. What was happening to me? Surely, I’m not depressed I love my life.

Still puzzling me was one layer of the unshakeable feeling that I couldn’t name. I sat and just felt for a while, just for a minute, and just like that I knew. Sorrow. Grief.

Yesterday was March 8th, 2012. On March 8th, 2007, a mere 5 years ago I lost my grandfather, Robert William Shafer Sr. My Pap was 66 years old, and had been fighting for a long time when he passed, but I’m tired of crying. I want to laugh again. I want to think of the old man whose whiskers tickled my face when he hugged me and smile.

My Pap was a great man. He was a mechanic when he was younger and helped my dad and uncle race cars for a while, so to me he always smelled like a grease monkey. He always wore the same thing: white t shirt, blue jeans and loafers, and he only wore a coat if coerced or threatened by Nana, or blackmailed by me. I distinctly remember saying one snowy winter night "If you don’t wear your coat I won’t wear mine.” and staring at him until he relented.

He was a tough man, protective and loyal. It’s from him that I gain those two essential parts of my personality, and it’s to him I give the credit. Yet he was always laughing, he could always make me smile.He teased and taunted, but when the going got rough he was right there to scoop you up in his arms and make you feel better.

He loved his family more than anything and he and my Nana made great work of spoiling us kids rotten. They bought us a trampoline and a pool so we could be outside being productive. They took us to the park, and the movies and bought us our favorite candy up the street at Mountaingate. They let us swim in the creek and catch crawdads, and anything else we wanted.

Nana, Pap, Brad and I always got to deliver newspapers together, since Ash and Deverule usually had school or were at my Aunt Jen’s place, narrowing the playing field down to two grandchildren. We would sit in the van and drink Cokes and help wrap papers for my grandma to throw out, Pap teaching us to slice the bands right so we didn’t hit ourselves (which I, of course, did) and during the holidays me blaring and belting the Chipmunks Christmas CD to annoy the hell out of Brad.

When he loved you, he loved you to his very core, no matter how difficult it was to show. My fondest memories were of days and nights we all spent together. Family reunions, carnivals, holidays, and Saturday nights at the bowling alley, me singing karaoke.

To say I miss him is an understatement…


As I type this blog I realize…

Today is March 9th, 2012 and on this day my Uncle Ricky would be 47, and I’m completely honest I didn’t really get the opportunity to know him all that well. We lived 3000 miles from each other, and saw and spoke to each other rarely, but I always knew he loved me. He would save my Christmas presents if I couldn't come out that year, once holding on to one for almost 2 years. It just stayed in his closet, waiting.
My fondest memory of him is one I often cherish, with family members that no longer speak, are no longer family.

We went clamming. The whole family: aunts, uncles, grandmas, cousins and siblings packed into trucks and drove to the beach. It’s been so long, but I can still remember what I imagined as we drove over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge (I believe that was where we went). Holy crap I’m going to die. A giant Jaws sized shark is going to jump over this bridge and eat me. I’m too young to die.

The rest of the day just goes in fragments, trying my first bay oyster and loving it, clamming for the first time. I remember scuttling around in the water with Bradley and being scared half to death when a crab scuttled right back over my hand. I thought it was going to tear my fingers off. But most of all I remember waking up on the car ride home to him smiling in the rearview mirror at us kids, Shannon and I, baby Dalton strapped in his seat between us. I remember feeling so at peace with the warm summer wind, and my family surrounding me.

I may not have known a lot about him, but I know he had the trademark Caudill red hair, a mouth like a sailor even though he was a soldier, a protective instinct you couldn’t imagine, and I know he He loved his family, us, so much. I know he loved his children the most, more than anything.



I’m not telling you all this for pity, or to vent about the tragedy of losing someone we all loved. As I sit here, holding my favorite amethyst and smiling at the memories of these two people I love so much I have but one thing to say.

Love never dies. It never leaves us. It knows no measure of time or length of distance. It’s something that follows us, never letting up. It burrows into our hearts and our souls and pours out in affection and adoration, loyalty, honesty and trust. It comes to us from whatever afterlife we’re expecting and keeps us sane and whole.

I miss the two of them so much, and sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell them not to do certain things, to keep them with us longer. But life doesn't work in reverse, it pushes us forward, and our sadness works into a purpose, to live life the way they would've liked us to. To live honorably, with integrity and dignity and to stand tall and make our family names shine. To never give up or shut up and to be the best we can be, even if it's hard to do. I live my life to make the people who've passed before me, who I love proud of me.

When I was little we always went to the bowling alley to just be together and, for me, to sing. One song was always a crowd pleaser, and has always been silently dedicated to my family.

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're gone
Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
You're here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Life is short, but love lasts a lifetime and beyond.
I miss you two. -Kink

Good Morning!

Happy 3 am everyone!

It’s currently my day off from the good old Starbucks and I a so used to being up that my body is fully awake right now… at 3 am.

I am a broken 19 year old.

But anyways! I wanted to let you all know that pretty soon that blog will be changing. It’s possible that it’s just background, but it may also be location, so please stick with me while I try to get through my inner negotiations with that.

Again, I know I’ve been neglecting you all something fierce, but I’m hoping that love and pretty words shall prevail and win you back…

Think of these words being said with a high class or British accent, if you please.

Becoming

Effervescent

Alluring

Demure

Dulcet

Gossamer

Lithe

Is it working yet?

Opulent

Surreptitious

Woebegone

Are you still here? Oh thank the Gods! A treat for you then! My favorite pretty word.

Crestfallen…

So haunting, and moving, sometimes I just can’t stand it. 

 

 

Now how about more pictures? You know how much I love them.

Warning: delicious food pictures coming your way!

 

 

Now for some “food porn”:

Stephanie made these for me one morning after work so we could watch Glee and catch up. They had whipped cream, peaches and strawberries in them and were absolutely phenomenal.

Veggie bars that my mother made for the closing staff at the Bucks :)

Ever since Christmas when I got that amazing Wok from my parents I’ve been obsessed with cooking Asian food. Now, I cook dinner once a week for my family. This was my first time making bulgogi (and getting it everywhere, but it was amazing!

Last set! JR recently went to Alaska for a work trip, and while he was there mom and I set our sights high.We ended up watching some chick flicks and eating lots of healthy bright colored things. See veggie bar picture above.

This was our first awesome meal just us girls… and Moose.

Mom made mozzarella and broccoli stuffed and baked chicken with rice. I’m not even going to lie. I ate that whole damn thing without a lick of guilt on my conscience.

It was GOOD.

We also watched the Help that night too and man that was good too.

A must see, in my opinion.

 

Here, be like the Simpsons and have a doughnut, or is it donut? Is spelling it donut the lazy way? Hmm…

 

-Kristen

Picture update and Couponing

So I may have been gone due to technical malfunctions, but I wanted to let you all know about a new hobby of mine… couponing!

 

But first… picture updates!

Updates VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

 

 

Now to the couponing:

It was brought on by, not going to lie, watching Extreme Couponing, and realizing that I’m a broke 19 year old and could totally use the ability to save money for the future.

I’m a newbie, barely wet behind the ears, but one day I want to be able to really save money and donate a lot.

This is why you shouldn’t throw away your Food Days newspapers- you get whole sets of coupon inserts AND mid week sales ads!

 

A Coupon fairy! I’ve seen four different sets of coupons that people have left by the product. It’s a really nice pick me up when you see extra coupons laid out!

I’ll keep you updated as I get going in couponing.

 

Welcome back,

Kristen