From Body Hate to Body Love

One of the problems with growing up overweight is that it’s very common to come down with serious body image issues. Always thinking you’re fat, thinking you eat too much, worrying what people think and being so very self conscious.

While I grew up I was constantly thinking people were making fun of me because of my weight. Two girls would look near me and laugh and I just immediately thought they were laughing at me. It turned me into a very introspective person. When I was a kid I was shy, as a teenager in high school I was a bitch. I figured if I was mean enough to make people hate me then I wouldn’t care what they thought.

Not true.

But I digress, fast forward through high school and everything that went on during it, through the few years after it where I was happily in a relationship to just over six months ago when I realized I didn’t want to be the person I was turning into. I felt like my life was planned out, but for the wrong person so I took control and I changed it.

I realized that I needed to be selfish and go after what I wanted and do what I needed to do, not matter what. I ended a relationship of nearly two years, I threw myself into work and I promised myself that I was going to live the life I wanted from then on. I started to try new things, be the person I had always wanted to be but I still felt horrible about myself.

The inspiration to change came from watching my best friend change her life. I’m not going to go into much detail right now except to say that she is an exceptional human being who (paired with Heather) completes me. She has pushed herself body, mind and soul and has come out on top, looking and feeling fabulous.

So I started to work out and eat right. It’s interesting to see the progress from 6 months ago to right now. I probably couldn’t do one sit up back then and just yesterday I did 70 in a row, with weights. I made a personal fit test for myself in September and it took me 28 minutes to do all four rounds the first time. Less than two weeks later it took me less than 15 minutes. My clothes are fitting looser, my body is getting more toned, more defined and every day I love it more and more.

Weird what a little exercise can do right?

Working out has helped me appreciate my body and its limits. Every crunch, push up and stretch that I’ve done has made me love it even more. Every piece of fruit or celery stick that passes my lips has made me realize what my body needs to function, and what foods it doesn’t. It’s pushing myself, and working hard that’s forced me to move past my self consciousness and realize that I’m strong and I’m beautiful and it’s time I believed it.

So I’m going to prove how much I love my body. I’m going to post progress pictures. But I’m not doing this to prove it to you all because, much as I adore you, this isn’t about you. I’m going to prove it to myself.

Without further ado…

 

Starting at the top right and going clockwise the pairs of photos are from June 21, 2011- September 20, 2012- October 3, 2012- and today October 21, 2012.

Looking at these pictures, I’ll be honest I cringed. Not because I’m ashamed of my body as it is, but because I’m ashamed that I treated it like that.

 

 

To all of you who read my blog, love yourself. Love your body, but take it for what it is: a machine. Keep it healthy and you’ll have a lot longer in it, end of story.

I-I-I–I Workout!

I mentioned this in my latest update, but for I’ve been making health and fitness a bigger part of my life.

I first started my journey, for lack of a better term, after making a deal with Stephanie.

I was helping her move home from school and wanted to have a normal night, no worrying about what we ate, no hesitation just doing what we wanted. She agreed, but on the condition that I started to eat better. Without hesitation (get it?!) I said yes and after a fantastic last night on earth binge I started being nicer to my body.

I walked four miles within those two days (Stephanie ran them) and when I got home I started walking an hour a day. It was an easy change since I usually had a free hour or two after work to do something, and while I was at it I was drinking more water and eating a more reasonable amount of food.

To be honest, I thought I’d fall off the wagon after the first two weeks, but I love it. For my birthday I got a membership to the Aquatic Center since it has a gym, pool and some cool classes. I was also lucky enough to get some weights and a stability ball (that I was dying for).

As I expected to happen; I fell off the wagon. Grief and already stressful situation can make health the last thing you want to make time for. I spent the first half of September living on caffeine and sugar since I wasn’t sleeping or eating enough. After two weeks of eating like crap and not working out my clothes were getting tight and I was feeling sluggish and unhappy. I promptly shook myself off, got out my yoga mat and got back to work.

It’s amazing what a little bit of love can do to your body. My skin cleared from my sugar induced break out, my body has leaned out and I’ve gotten a lot more flexible. I’ve got more energy, I’m sleeping better, and while I am eating much better I’m eating what I want in moderation. If I want a cheeseburger from Helvetia I’m going to get one, I just won’t have a soda with it and I’ll work out again when I get home.

It’s all about a positive balance between being good to your body and not starving it of something it desires.

Wanderlust, Wanderlust why do you do this to me?

So, here’s something about me that most people don’t know… I have a serious case of wanderlust, and it is truly serious.

I always have the urge to travel and explore the world around me, to see what happens in the places I’ve never been. I think it’s because I have this irresistible urge to be free, to never be tied down. There’s a quote that has quickly become my favorite (and a possible future tattoo) “I’m built to fly away, I never learned to stay.”

Sometimes I feel like life is a prison, always capturing me, keeping me in a gilded cage, alive but never truly living. I get up, go to work, come home, see the people that I love and go to sleep. But every time I’m laughing and enjoying myself that feeling of capture is growing in my chest. I’ve always had the desire to pack a backpack and just leave. Send my parents and the people I love postcards letting them know where I’ve gone and just disappear into the sunset.

 First I’d travel the US. I’d go back to Hawaii, just because I love it, then Alaska to see the Aurora Borealis. I’d travel to see some of the most beautiful mountains, rivers and valleys in our country, then I’d do all of the things I’ve always wanted to do: hike to Machu Picchu, pray in the temples of Greece, the pyramids of Egypt, join a ritual in the middle of Stonehenge, even swim in the Galapagos. I’d get spiritual in Bali and adventurous in Amsterdam, and enjoy the most beautiful places in the world.

My wanderlust is one of the reasons I find being a writer, an author even, to be such an attractive career for me. Not only do I love literature, but it’d be easy to write wherever the wind blew me. I’d just explore the world, gather intel and some inspiration, write when I could and send my pages to my publisher; the perfect job for me.

Every few years or so, when my eyes grew tired of the sights around me, and my heart pulled me toward the sea I could come home and recharge. I could get back into the day to day grind of going to work, getting the groceries, going out for coffee with my best friend, and eventually it would lead to some fresh eyes.

Whenever my urge to leave came back I’d pack a bag, spread my wings and just be free.
Is it so bad to want to be free?

Not all those who wander are lost
J.R.R. Tolkien


Freedom is never dear at any price. It is the breath of life. What would a man not pay for living?
Mahatma Gandhi